Desperate to sleep
by itsmimi
Summary: In which Rey feels lost and needs him to comfort her. Or is it the other way around? (Reylo, sets after TFA)


**Desperate to sleep**

 _A One-Shot about Rey and Kylo Ren or Ben Solo._

 _Requested by no one, I had this idea by myself and I loved it (the idea, not the story)._

 _Whatever, have fun reading this short story._

Well, who would have thought?

Definitely not Rey.

An endless ocean of stars above her, so beautiful, so wonderful to visit them, and it still scares her. The fact that out there is the First Order is horrifying, probably even more horrifying than a year ago. She would have laughed if she could talk to herself a year ago, the same Rey, so many less memories.

Back then, there was light and dark.

Back then, Finn and Poe were good, and Kylo Ren was bad.

These days there isn't even a _Kylo Ren_ anymore. And there isn't a _Ben Solo._ He is there, without a name, without a true identity.

Rey doesn't know what to think. _Back then, everything was easy._ "Search your feelings", was all Luke said to her. Helpful. But Luke wasn't helpful at this day at all.

But what should she search for? There is _confusion._ Nothing more, nothing less.

"At night, desperate to sleep. It's been a year and nothing has changed."

Oh, so many things have changed. "Get your bad humor back where it came from."

Rey doesn't stop staring at the sky, while he lies down next to her. A month, he has been here a _damn month_ already _._

And to be fair, it is all her fault. She brought him here, she convinced Leia to give him a second chance. Well, Leia didn't really need her convincing. She is a loving mother, and even though Ben has destroyed her husband, she never loved him any less.

She calls him _Ben._

"My humor is better than Poe's."

"You've got a point."

They continue staring at the sky.

"How are you?"

"Why do you even ask?" Rey sighs. "You know the answer anyway."

Indeed, he does know the answer. And not because he looked inside her head again, but because the answer is obvious, so obvious, and his answer is the same.

"How long do you think this war will go on?" He turns his head to Rey, amusement in his look, amusement and a deep frustration.

"You know the answer, don't you?"

 _Finn calls him Ren,_ she thinks. Ren, like Kylo Ren, but this is probably a habit from Finn's old times, when he was FN-2187. They probably called their boss Ren, if they ever talked. They did, for sure. They were people, almost real _real_ people. And Rey felt bad when she thinks about shooting them, because she is ninety percent sure, that they don't even have the opportunity to change their lives. Yes, Finn did, but-

"And you do not listen to me, do you?"

"No. Let's say I asked a rhetorical question."

Rey hears his quiet sigh.

"I don't know. As long as the war is going on they won't execute me."

"Nobody's going to execute you."

Saying it is so easy, words are so strong, _thoughts are so strong._ But thoughts aren't the reality.

"Oh god, wake up!" The young man sits up, and Rey is sure his eyes have this angry fire in them again. "I can be happy if they don't execute me _before_ the war ends. _If_ it ever ends. And you know that, so why are you trying to live in your little pink dreamworld?"

Rey still doesn't get up; she lays there in the grass, staring at the stars. She feels his anger, his controlled anger though, but she still hates to see, or rather _feel_ him being angry. And the young woman feels so _powerless._

"I do not live in a pink dreamworld. And you know that! You, of all people should know how it feels! Not having a family anymore! Not knowing where you stand in your damn life!"

Poe calls him _Solo._ Never Ben, always Solo. Rey was always wondering if they shared a history together. Poe calls him Solo, his voice always a bit amused though, but he _accepted_ the man who had a change of heart. He never talks about him the way he talks about Finn, but Rey feels the acceptance coming from Poe's side.

So many names, one face, no identity.

He tries to control his anger. Or is it Rey, trying to control _her_ anger? Is she as broke as he is, is her life so _fucking_ out of control like his?

The simple answer is yes.

"Oh, Rey."

It is the first name _he_ says _her_ name. And she still hasn't got a name for him.

Still, his soft, rough voice, actually saying her name makes the blood pump through her veins faster, makes the heart inside her chest beating more intense.

She finally sits up and looks him in the eyes. She barely recognizes the soft, sad smile on his lips; she is too focused on his dark eyes. The stars are reflecting in them, they give them a little glow.

"I know _exactly_ what you feel, but you _know_ this already. So do not tell me anything about it."

Rey has finally caught her feelings again.

"I do not want to lose you. Why don't you go into hiding then? If you think someone here is going to execute you-"

"Oh _Rey._ " This time his voice is even softer, like he is talking to a little child, but than on the other hand to a grown woman.

"You already know the answers, face the truth! We are broke as hell, both of us. We don't have real families. Rey, I killed my _father._ God damn, I hated this man so much, I had never felt so much hate- and then he was _gone._ Gone like your parents are. Gone, gone, and gone! And I felt lost. I idolized a man who wasn't even _there_ as I thought he was. And what should I do? Flee? Come on, you know better. What should I do without the war; war is _all I ever knew!_ And then you came, you along with these two dorks, and then I saved your life and you decided to save mine. And my mother still opened her arms for me; even after all I have done to her. And these are four people, four people who actually _mean_ something to me. And I cannot let you back here in this war. How should I spend my day? Stroking a cat?"

Rey stares at him, he stares at Rey. She sees all the sadness and anger in his eyes, the eyes of a lost boy.

"I did so many bad things in this life, and I try to make things better. I do not deserve my mother's love, I do not deserve Poe's friendship, not even Finn's acceptance. And I do not deserve you. Why did you save me back then? Why didn't you let my own people murder me?"

"You know the answer", is all she says, all she knows to say. There are so many emotions inside her, trying to explode, but Rey knows better. She lived a life on Jakku, a place where you do not have friends. Nothing stays there, except for the thirst and the loneliness.

"Actually, I do not. And neither do you. At day, we might be happy and best buddies, but at night we are lost, desperate to sleep." He narrows his eyebrows. "Did Luke finally decide to actually teach you as a Jedi?"

Rey glares at him. "Why would you ask that? You know he didn't."

"Just thought, maybe after all the shit you did?"

Rey cannot do anything but laugh. It is so much easier to laugh, to forget all the serious words they just exchanged. Not even a minute ago.

"Have you ever seen a meteor?" The man gives her a confused look. "Yes, Rey. We flew out there yesterday-". She shakes her head. "No, down here. Have you ever seen a meteor while standing on solid grounds?" He smiles.

"Yes, while we were talking. Right behind you."

"Ow, why didn't you say something?" How did they get so playful again?

"Because it was too late anyways."

"What did you wish?"

"Cannot say."

They stare at each other for a long time. Minutes, hours? Nobody knows.

"Why did you change sides? What was your change of heart?"

He laughs, laughs so loud that Rey is actually afraid he would wake someone up. His laugh is humorless, but still amused. In a cold way.

"Oh for Force's sake, Rey!" She is really confused, he suddenly acts so… angry. "Why don't you see it, why do you always close your damn eyes? I already told you, that there are four people I care about! And then you ask me again, right in the face, and you are still _clueless!"_

Rey feels attacked and changes into defense-mode. "Well if I am so stupid, then why do you even talk to me? I meant why did you _do_ it, why did you _change-_ "

Suddenly he leans closer; she can feel his breath on her lips, her heart pumps at the speed of light.

"I know what you _meant,_ the point is… you don't get what _I_ mean. Dammit, Rey, I suddenly got something good to fight for. You!" She can feel a wall of emotions coming from him, making her feel a strange kind of heat.

"You were my hope, Rey. And in the end, you did not give up. You were strong, you were strong in the force, and you were clever. Where is your cleverness now? Don't you get it Rey? I love you. I love you, like I have never loved a person before. You were-"

"Shh." Rey cuts him off. The obviousness of the situation overcomes her. How could she be so stupid? Poe made fun of their feelings, and she denied everything. Denying things is easy, has always been. But now she decides to finally do it the other way: she opens up her mind, like he never did before. He suddenly sees her killing Stormtroopers, her want to kill him in their first fight, her little breakout of feelings when she was alone. Then he sees her, trying to throw a cake at Finn, joking around with Poe, laughing with himself. Rey, dancing through the rain for the first time, Rey forcelifting alone for the first time, Rey saving him. Suddenly he is pulled out of the vision, back next to Rey. Their noses almost touching each other when Rey finally says:

"You are part of this. And if you really want me, in a romantic or not romantic way, than you should know about me. I am a horrible person too. I make bad decisions. I have too many feels, sometimes. These are so big words, and I am so _bad_ with words and the whole situation is so awkward and-"

"I think it is romantic, actually."

"I am trying to tell you I love you too and you- oh god shut up!"

He smiles, and finally his beautiful eyes are smiling too.

"Make me!"

It is an invitation for a kiss, an invitation for a life together, a life full of ups and downs, love and hate. She leans forward, just a little bit more, and feels his lips on hers. She never knew how much she needs this, until his tongue softly strokes hers, until his warm hand pulls her closer. And she suddenly feels home, a home she never had, in his arms.

"I don't even know your name."

"You know my names."

"I mean, how do you want to be called?"

"Does it matter? Do I need a name?"

"Yes."

"Well, then let's don't decide this today."

"Tonight."

"Whatever."

He pulls her back for another kiss and she doesn't say no.

Maybe two broken people can pull each other out of their own darkness. And kissing him is a very, _very_ good start.


End file.
